Kevan Smith – New Year

‘New Year!! What the…'

‘I haven’t gotten used to the last New Year. To be truthful, I’m still flummoxed that it is ALREADY 25 years since the millennium... and 20 years since 1985 FFS.’

Reaching down I rub my knee, remembering that tragic New Year plane crash where I had to give the pilot heart massage while sword fighting the sky pirate with his own cutlass as he tried to set the bomb off. Boy, that’s the last time I’ll pay cattle class. That never happens in 1st.

Then there was the time I decided to float down the Amazon on a Surf Float. I went well for the first 50 miles, until the piranhas finally chewed through the hard rubber. It was fortunate that the first bite was on the back for it gave me a great spurt along down the river. The fireworks went off just as the float and I spewed out over the waterfall edge. Got a great drift in the air, the water spray holding me up enough to float down into the bottom right ledge of the falls and into the collective arms of the local tribe. Fortunately, this tribe was friendly. The left bank’s tribe were headhunting Cannibal Christians tribe who, I am told, would pray to hard your head would fall off. Arr, who can forget the NYE of a drinking Scotsman under the tables at Trafalgar Square on Hogmanay. Gawd, those bloody Scot laddies can drink.  But, now it’s 2025 I’m at my life crisis age and not quite sure what my future will bring. Gee, you can’t get drugs that good any more.