Ricci Schwarzler - Cabinet

I sat in my office and stared at it. It stared back. I was always nervous of that look. I knew that look.

I had a lot of documents that needed filing. But I was weary. The grey colour didn’t look ominous, but it was. It was deceiving. But the thing was cunning. It could feel my fear and it used it to intimidate me. I don’t know why it was so bloody picky, so miserable, so never wanting any bloody files put in it…it was a bloody filing cabinet for God’s sake!

I acted nonchalant and wandered past, pretending to NOT be about to put files in it. It crunched down. I knew it was about to pounce.

Sure enough as I wandered past it jerked forth with its drawers snapping. I leapt out of the way just in time. I stood back and glared at it. It was still going on and on…snapping, growling…carrying on like a baby. I sneered at it.

I halved the bundle of documents and once it calmed down and was catching its breath I leapt on it. I grabbed the bottom less capable drawer and with both hands ripped it open. The top two drawers were going crazy. I had my butt on the ground, legs each side with my feet on the very thing edge around the drawers to I could use my legs to hold it still whilst I held the drawer with one hand and threw the paperwork into it. I let go as I jumped back out of the way. It coughed and spluttered and I thought I had it beat but it let leaned back and jerked forward again and spewed my paperwork back at me. Bloody thing.

That’s it I decided to give it to my current painful, smartarsed assistant. She was out of Uni and thought she was the best office admin in the world. She knew it all. But she didn’t know filing cabinets. Haha…the younger generation hardly used the things.

‘Jessica, can you put these in the filing cabinet for me please?’

“OH for goodness sake. Why don’t you put it onto the computer?’

‘Because I want it in the cabinet as I have to keep the originals. Just do it please but be careful.’

Laughing she said “Careful, what of?”

“Just be careful, you aren’t experienced with filing cabinets and this is a mean one.”

She stared at me as if I was an idiot. I could see the cabinet knew what was going on. It was sitting there looking meek and innocent.

‘Just open the drawer fast and don’t stand too close and then jump out of the way.’

Jessica stared at me again and scoffed.

I started to walk out as I didn’t want to witness what was about to happen to this Know-it-All. I could see from the corner of my eye as she went over, way too close and opened the drawer slowly…then the chomping, gnashing and occasional burp. I grabbed my cuppa and walked back in to see one of Jessica’s super high heeled shoes lying on the ground lonely. Nothing left of Jessica.

I dialled up HR and said, ‘I’ll be needing a new assistant, this one isn’t coming back.’

They said…’What again, what are you doing to your assistants, you go throug