Ricci Schwarzler - Grand

‘The evening was grand’, my Grandmother announced.

‘There were ground people here, the venue is grand and the food is grand and so are the drinks’, which she downed with grace but in abundance.

She liked to think of herself as the Grand Dame of the family, but in reality she was a nasty old Crone. She was never happy unless she had organised whatever it was she was talking about, like this event.

She had bossed and bullied everyone concerned so she got her way. It was the 100th anniversary of the local community Progress Association. Many of us think she could have started it!

She even wrote peoples’ speeches.

‘Now you write your own speech’, she would say, ‘you only have to run it by me, so I can ensure we aren't repeating ourselves.’ She would always use the royal ‘we’.

She wasn't giving a speech, but we could all tell she had rewritten everyone speeches, because everyone was ‘grand’, especially her! Obviously there was nobody else in this association of 200 people because the speeches sung her praise.

One after the other, as the speeches ran on, ‘we’ the family were quickly dying of embarrassment.

‘Violet is so amazing and has done such a grand job of running this association for all these years’, my God she was only a bossy member who never wanted to take on a proper role in case she couldn't pull it off and in case she became the butt of everyone's jokes, as was her style with everyone else.

She had only joined the association in the last year. Most members had lived in the village forever and had been members forever.  

‘Violet is such a grand support for us all.’

‘We are so lucky to have such a Grand Dame in our association.’

‘What would we do without Violet?’

Oh my God, what a nightmare! Everyone noticed and started giggling under their breaths. But she was oblivious and constantly looking around with a grand smile on her face and nodding at everybody.  

The last speaker stepped up. It was my brother, and I knew she had taken his speech congratulating the committee, and butchered it.

‘I would love to thank the committee of which my grandmother is NOT a member for doing such an amazing grand job of running this association with diligence and heart, in spite of the interference and complaints of Violet. You are not a Grand Dame, you're a Grand Pain in the Arse,  Thank you.’